Dating without the drama

Let’s talk about mindful dating and how it can save us all from the drama when it comes to getting to know new people while trying to find the one…, or plus one. Depending on your lifestyle choices. Number one, enter the dating game knowing what you want and holding yourself accountable to express those wants and needs while getting to know new people. This will weed out everyone who doesn’t fit the basics of what you want. Number two understand, that in today’s dating world it’s a numbers game and feeling any type of rejection is inevitable. It’s okay and 9 times out of 10 if you were honest and upfront about everything. A person deciding to go another route, or even ghosting you has nothing to do with you. Compatibility is very important and even though society speaks on it it’s not valued enough. We focus too hard on the chemistry or the feel-good chemical dopamine that goes off in our bodies when with or talking to a particular match which can also be a bad sign if you’re not careful. We can go more in-depth about chemistry vs compatibility in another article.  Lastly, beware of your own triggers and baggage that could be hindering you from a drama-free dating life. Let’s get into it!

 

Number one, knowing your wants and needs in a relationship and not relying on society to tell you as a man you should find a woman who does this and as a woman vice versa. You need to be really clear on who you are as a person, your strengths and weaknesses. Your wants, your desires, and find the person who can fulfill some of those needs. If your a woman or a man who love language is word of affirmation then as a woman you may need to find a man who doesn’t mind giving you compliments and reassuring you verbally and as a man, you may want to look for a woman who doesn’t mind pouring into you with verbal encouragement. 

 

Learning to set boundaries is also very important. I remember getting on dating apps and my only thought was to find someone and be a great partner to them. I had no boundaries, I wasn’t sure of myself and what I wanted. I just followed the rubric of in relationships you’re supposed to be a ride or die and whatever your partner needs you do it. That is an absolute trainwreck waiting to happen. With this mindset, you tend to enmesh your life with the other person so much that your identity no longer is your own and quite frankly it’s pick me bitch behavior that men and women can see right through and if their morals aren’t together they will take advantage of that. Granted society has modeled to us for many years that in order to stay in a relationship long term especially for women we must mold ourselves into what our partners want us to be and that’s not true. Get intentional about yourself first, learn your values, your passions, what do you like about others and how would you want that incorporated in a romantic relationship, learn what you don’t like about people, learn what you can tolerate, because no one’s perfect, and most importantly learn and learn quickly what you will not tolerate, make it clear in the beginning of the talking phase and if a person crosses that boundary cut them off and move on. 

 

Number two rejection is your friend in the dating realm. The more comfortable you are with that thought the less drama you will have in today’s dating atmosphere. Now, I know rejection can take a huge toll on one’s self-esteem especially if the number one goal is to find a mate and leave this bull shit, number’s game fest behind, but I challenge you to look at dating more so as collecting data, as coach TorahCent says. Instead of making it a desperate plea mission to find your soul mate so you can get out of the dating rat race, you can try befriending who you’re dating. Make the shift in your mind that you are collecting data and ask yourself can I see this person as my friend. This should do a couple of things. It seems like within the majority who want a serious relationship they go on a date, wanting to make a person their partner or setting expectations so high that when they are let down they want to give up. When a person makes the mental shift that they are just collecting data it helps relax the person, so instead of going in thinking I’m going to impress this person so much they’re going to want a second date or lock me down. You can look out for red flags, ask the right questions. Talk about each other’s boundaries and ask the question to yourself: could I see this person as a friend? Sometimes we focus so much on what we like externally we forget about compatibility. If a person decides not to move forward with you after you let your guard down and were honest and open about yourself and you didn’t catfish them, 9 times out of 10 they’re just looking for something else and that’s okay. Rejection is inevitable in the dating realm. It sucks, but if you can make the mental shift in understanding that rejection is definitely your friend here it could work to your advantage and give you more courage to be yourself so you can pull in the right people.

 

Lastly, be aware of your own triggers, baggage, and trauma.  We all have our own triggers and baggage that we carry and I’m not talking about the external baggage like kids, bills, etc. I’m talking about the internal baggage you carry around and don’t even know. I remember speaking to this single 40+-year-old woman with no kids who spoke about how we all had luggage, some people had small fanny packs, some had book bags, while some had huge bags of luggage. When speaking to her she only was able to speak on the external baggage a person can carry and being a woman with no kids she didn’t understand why it was so hard to find a stable partner and her outlook on dating was very grim. Rightfully so, dating today can suck but one thing I have learned is that our inner baggage will also keep us from obtaining a healthy relationship. 

 

A couple of examples, rejection is trauma whether we felt it in childhood with our parents, teenage years with our peers, etc we can carry that into our relationships or in our dating life. While dating, a person may ask you something that may be a hard no for you but in fear that they won’t like you anymore, you do it. You haven’t heard from a particular person you like in a day or so and instead of just reaching out yourself to see if they’re okay you don’t. Fear of being rejected paralyzes you more than looking desperate but that’s the lie we tell ourselves while trying to convince ourselves not to reach out. Another one I can think of more so on a personal level is looking like I had my shit together at all times. I did my best to be the one anyone can come to for anything in a relationship or while dating that can make it really hard for a person to connect with you if they feel they can’t assist in any way, especially if you’re a woman looking for a man who wouldn’t mind taking things off of your plate. Not wanting to show vulnerability is a trauma response, for me due to childhood. 

 

The list can go on and on about inner trauma and how it can trigger one and possibly sabotage relationships or even sabotage a person, promoting them to stay in a relationship that’s not for them. So I’ll leave you guys here, remember understanding yourself first is important, the good, the bad, the ugly, the incompetent, all of you so you can make better decisions within dating and know that rejection is your friend. I’m hoping my blog posts resonate with you and inspire you to listen or even join the Playing 4 Keeps podcast and look out for the dating app that will be available this year. If you can relate to this post please comment below with your own stories here or on www.p4kdatingapp.com.

 

With Love,

Dj

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