P4K Blog

Chemistry or Compatibility?

I have something on my podcast called Meme Mondays. They’re really random but if I see a meme or a quote on social media that intrigues me about relationships I’ll find time to record about it and then post the episode on Monday. If you look at the meme or quote above on a surface level anyone would say it’s a beautiful statement and it is but it also reminds me of the many pitfalls in relationships today. In today’s society, love & war seems to be the thing. Break up just to get to the making up because as we all know…. “That’s the best part.” Chasing chemistry and not looking for true compatibility reminds me of this meme and I would like to speak about chemistry VS compatibility and throw my hat into the great debate on which one is more important.

What is chemistry between two people? It can be described in the terms of mutual feelings — “a connection, a bond or common feeling between two people”, or as a chemical process — “[it] stimulates love or sexual attraction… … Chemistry can be described as the combination of “love, lust, infatuation, and a desire to be involved intimately with someone” This is a great component in a healthy relationship but can chemistry alone sustain a healthy relationship? Due to our wiring and attachment style, how do we know if the chemistry we feel for another person is even healthy? If you’re not aware of attachment styles and would like to know more you can read my article https://p4kdatingapp.com/blog/could-your-love-attachment-style-be-ruining-your-relationships/

As humans, we tend to flee to what feels familiar to us, even if on a conscious level we don’t like it. I’ll give an example; I stood out as a child by being the smart and resourceful one. The one who started working at 14 and the one people came to if they needed anything. This made me feel good, irreplaceable, in a replaceable world around me. Until it didn’t, I ended up in exhausting relationships where I was fully enmeshed in my partner’s shit, building them and their situations up. I was happy to be needed but at the same time I was irritable and past partners didn’t understand why because at the end of the day I was playing what I thought my role was in society. Consciously I knew I didn’t like it but subconsciously something drew me to these men. The familiarity of having to be hypervigilant as a child growing up in a toxic household, caring for everyone’s feelings but my own, and building people up without knowing what I wanted in life landed me in these relationships. I grew up in instability and toxicity and my nervous system grew accustomed to it. So only situations and relationships that stimulated me in ways of hardship, solving problems, and rising to the occasion kept me satisfied. Chemistry at that time for me was extreme unavailability, but I framed it as mysterious. Instead of moving on as I should have, I dug deeper looking for problems I could fix in the hope my partners would open up and change for me.

In the quote it reads “lovers who rarely meet”, We can’t meet or communicate with another person authentically without knowing ourselves. Without fully understanding why we do the things we do and then deciding do we want to keep doing it or change it. The quote continues “Chase and always almost miss one another” When leaning on chemistry alone in relationships we tend to chase fantasies and not reality. Which can cause a lot of miss understandings and arguments. I always ended up chasing to a certain degree because I leaned ALL on chemistry/ familiarity in the past. Arguing and constantly trying to prove myself when I didn’t have to. Chemistry is a chemical process our bodies go through when we really like someone. Some call it a spark or butterflies and it can really cloud one’s judgment if they’re not careful. And the last part of the quote reads “ But once in a while they do catch up, and they kiss, and the world stares in awe of their eclipse. This honestly just reminds me of toxic relationships altogether, after all the fighting and arguing a couple makes up only on a vague surface level because two lovers should never catch up or kiss once in a while. While the short eclipse is beautiful it is rare and in chemistry-based relationships making up and coming together is the best part because that’s all the couple has and subconsciously will always chase.

Now, I’m not knocking chemistry completely especially since there are different types of it but I do believe compatibility along with chemistry will sustain a healthy relationship. Or believe that chemistry can grow over time with someone you’re compatible with. What is compatibility between two people? It is the natural ability to live and work together in harmony because of well-matched characteristics. Chemistry is important but after you feel that initial spark than what? Do you just ride the waves of straight emotions letting your emotions and emotions alone carry the relationship? You shouldn’t, so after you find that there’s some chemistry there you have to find out if this person is really good for you.

Questions to ask yourself, you feel the spark but do you see things that you would like to change within the person. You shouldn’t go into a relationship wanting to change anything about a person. You can encourage certain things with your own actions and how you live your life but if you know you can’t deal with certain things you probably shouldn’t be dealing with that person romantically. Or if you find yourself constantly compromising, we seem to have this ideology that love is all about sacrifice or sometimes you have to sacrifice to show your love. That’s a lie and can all be avoided by getting with someone that aligns with your major needs, wants, and values. When searching for compatibility it always leaves room for conversations about boundaries and what one is looking for. While if you’re only focused on that hard-hit spark chemistry provides it can easily blindside you to not look for all of the other important things if you’re not careful.

A lot of coaches and therapists will tell their clients not to follow that feel-good dopamine response in their body when they meet someone if their client comes from a certain family background or has had failed relationships in the past and fear that their client may just be falling for familiarity. But if one understands themselves and explores that chemistry on a deeper level than just oh I like them and they like me then a person should be able to avoid relationships that aren’t good for them

So in conclusion for me personally some type of chemistry has to be there but understanding what type of chemistry and where the chemistry is coming from can help a person decipher if they should pursue a person or not and we shouldn’t be glorifying relationships that resemble rare solar eclipse. Just my humble opinion. I’m hoping this blog post resonates with you and inspires you to listen or even join the Playing 4 Keeps podcast and look out for the dating app that will be available this year. If you can relate to this post please comment below with your own stories here or on www.p4kdatingapp.com.

With Love,

Dj

Could your love attachment style be ruining your relationships?

 

Have you ever felt lost in a new relationship or even in a mature one? Maybe one minute feeling anxious for your companions’ love and then the next wanting space and not sure if you want the relationship? Or maybe perhaps you feel you need your companion’s love all the time and when they choose to hang out with a friend or ask for some space you question their love for you? Or maybe you long for a relationship but once you get into one you don’t know how or refuse to express your feelings, are unaffectionate, or tend to get overwhelmed when a partner asks or demands those things from you. Causing you to distance yourself.

 

Extensive scientific research has proven that everyone has a certain love attachment style or manner of behavior within relationships based on their childhood experiences. The attachment theory was introduced in the 1950’s and 60’s by British Psychologist John Bowlby. Individuals with a secure attachment were most likely as children raised in a household by parents or caregivers that offered consistent love, attention, and support. Children raised in these types of settings have been shown to form a secure attachment style. These individuals are secure within themselves, trusting of others, are comfortable with displaying interest and affection without worrying about what another person thinks. They are also able to correctly prioritize their relationships and set clear and healthy boundaries and stick to them. Individuals with an insecure attachment style may have struggled for attention as a child from distant or overworked parents that could possibly have been physically and emotionally abusive. Between the two attachments, four love attachment styles have been identified, One being the secure attachment style and the other 3 falling under the insecure attachment style. Most people think that people have to go through overt trauma, such as neglect or physical abuse to be deemed as someone who has issues with maintaining love but children who experience small emotional traumas that accumulate over time like hyper control from a parent which can relate to emotional dismissal can also develop these insecure love attachments.

 

The secure attachment

Having a trusting connection with your parent or primary caregiver as children will normally form the secure attachment style. These adults have no problem forming connections and building meaningful relationships that last with other people. People with this love style feel they can go to their partner with any issues or problems. Creating room for productive conversations. Individuals with this attachment style also have great trust in their partners and allow them to explore their own interests and pursue their own goals, but also understanding to work together to build a loving secure partnership for life. Individuals with a secure attachment style are still prone to disagreements but where those with a secure attachment style differ is in their ability to solve problems and find solutions instead of acting out or attacking their loved ones. 

 

The anxious preoccupied attachment

Adults who have an anxious attachment style usually grow up with parents or caregivers who are inconsistent in giving love, attention, and support. One moment the parent may be nurturing and attuned to the child’s needs and then the next the parent or caregiver could be insensitive, emotionally unavailable, or cold. This behavior can cause confusion and insecurity since they have no idea what behavior to expect. To get their emotional needs met these children will throw temper tantrums or raise their emotional state to get the love and attention they seek. Once the parent is paying attention the child is either too exhausted to receive the attention and in return they act cold hiding their true feelings of feeling abandoned since the emotional needs aren’t being met. Children who grow up to have an anxious attachment style grow into adults who usually attach to people that need saving or people that they feel can save them. Grown-ups with anxious attachment styles that attach to people who they feel need saving usually fall for the idea/ potential of the person but not the actual relationship. They spend their time always thinking of their partner, catering to their partners, making sure all of their needs are meant but rarely speak on their own, and don’t ask for help most times with an underlying fear of their partner abandoning them. Some people with anxious attachment love style tend to over-extend themselves thinking they are making themselves irreplaceable. Giving what they would want to receive, asking what they would want to be asked, and responding to things how they would want their partner to respond to them. Since so much is given by the partner with the anxious attachment they feel that their partners should be able to give them what they need without vocalizing it. This eventually builds up over time if not right away.  Anxious attachment style lovers also come off majority of the time as the purser in relationships the ones that look for their partner to save them look for their partner to validate their self worth and constantly bring reassurance to the relationship, because of the inconsistent availability they experience as children from their caregivers they are sensitive to rejection. They anticipate rejection and look for signs that their partners are losing interest. These individuals usually are driven to engage in strategies to avoid being rejected, However, their excessive dependency, demands, and possessiveness tend to drive their partners away bringing the very thing that they don’t want. They feel resentful and angry when their partner doesn’t provide the attention and reassurance they feel they need. They often believe that unless they dramatically express their anxiety and anger, it is unlikely that the other person will respond to them. Many of those with anxious attachments are reluctant to express their angry feelings toward a partner for fear of potential loss or rejection. When they try to suppress their anger, their behavior tends to vacillate between outbursts of anger and pleas for forgiveness and support. 

 

Dismissive Avoidant Attachment

Adults who grow up with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style usually grow up with parents or caregivers who were strict and punished them when they showed emotion or were too loud. So to not be punished or make their caregiver angry the child suppresses their emotions at home, school, from friends, etc. Subconsciously this leads the adult to have issues expressing their emotions since they were taught to not express how they feel without being punished. In relationships, these individuals are distant and detached. They come off as self-sufficient and independent. This is a cover-up for the inability to share their feelings and express their emotions. This individual will withdraw from the relationship at the first sign of conflict that forces them to express their emotions or situations where real intimacy needs to be shown. They are only usually able to express their emotions through rage. They seek solitude far more than most people.

 

Fearful Avoidant Attachment

Adults who grow up with a fearful-avoidant attachment usually have parents or caregivers who were emotionally or physically abusive and the displayed scary behavior from the caregiver could have been life-threatening. These children are in a terrible dilemma, their instinct may be to flee for safety but safety may be in the very person who is frightening them.  Parents can frighten their children in different, often unconscious, ways. It might be through abuse or neglect, but it could also be through unresolved trauma and loss in the parent’s own life that leaves him or her feeling afraid, which unintentionally scares the child. When placed in such a situation as a child you become anxious and it disorganizes their beliefs about love, safety, & security. Causing fear without any resolution in the form of love. In response, they seek to avoid all social situations and contact with others. They see this as protecting themselves from harm. They become withdrawn and starved for love. As an adult having a fearful-avoidant attachment style of love can make it hard to maintain a stable healthy relationship. They simultaneously fear of being too close and too distant from their partner. Getting too close can be fearful since they are afraid of being abandoned. They struggle to build trust and rely on their partners to do all of the work of building and trusting and have little faith in their relationship. Besides behaving unpredictably their number one inner conflict is that they crave intimacy one minute and then they resist it out of fear of getting hurt the next.

 

Ways to become more secure in your love style attachment

 

If you identify with any of the insecure attachment types there are self-therapeutic and therapeutic ways to help you dig deep to find out what your traumas are and move past them so you can create better relationships. The first step is making sense of your story. Looking into each attachment style and seeing which one you feel you identify with and why putting the pieces together on why you carry toxic traits in relationships. Hiding from the past or burying the pain will only be triggered during moments of stress or with a partner. Allow yourself to grieve and go through the pain or sadness that your attachment style shows that you were neglected or unemotionally connected to your caregiver as a child. Now that you’re aware of your patterns, focus on rewiring your brain and commit to healthier ways of dealing in your relationships since now it’s been brought to the conscious mind. If you seek partnership, try to find a partner with a more secure attachment style, This may be hard to do since as humans we tend to attach to familiarness. For the anxious or anxious avoidant who feels they have to earn a partner’s love will need to work more on their self-worth and not get bored with a partner who doesn’t make them work for love that should be given freely in a relationship. While a dismissive or fearful-avoidant will need to work on being more present in the relationship and open up and stop avoiding partners who only ask for what is expected in a loving relationship. The Anxious, the fearful-avoidant, and the dismissive tend to attract each other due to the familiar trauma triggers they set off in each other.  It is possible to have more than one attachment style. Even a secure attachment can display avoidant or anxious tendencies. Doing further research or possibly seeking a counselor or therapist can really help you pinpoint what your dominant attachment style is and can help you maneuver through to help you create healthier, loving relationships. 

 

I’m hoping this blog post resonates with you and inspires you to listen or even join the Playing 4 Keeps podcast and look out for the dating app that will be available this year. If you can relate to this post please comment below with your own stories here or on www.p4kdatingapp.com.

 

With Love,

Dj

 

Dating without the drama

Let’s talk about mindful dating and how it can save us all from the drama when it comes to getting to know new people while trying to find the one…, or plus one. Depending on your lifestyle choices. Number one, enter the dating game knowing what you want and holding yourself accountable to express those wants and needs while getting to know new people. This will weed out everyone who doesn’t fit the basics of what you want. Number two understand, that in today’s dating world it’s a numbers game and feeling any type of rejection is inevitable. It’s okay and 9 times out of 10 if you were honest and upfront about everything. A person deciding to go another route, or even ghosting you has nothing to do with you. Compatibility is very important and even though society speaks on it it’s not valued enough. We focus too hard on the chemistry or the feel-good chemical dopamine that goes off in our bodies when with or talking to a particular match which can also be a bad sign if you’re not careful. We can go more in-depth about chemistry vs compatibility in another article.  Lastly, beware of your own triggers and baggage that could be hindering you from a drama-free dating life. Let’s get into it!

 

Number one, knowing your wants and needs in a relationship and not relying on society to tell you as a man you should find a woman who does this and as a woman vice versa. You need to be really clear on who you are as a person, your strengths and weaknesses. Your wants, your desires, and find the person who can fulfill some of those needs. If your a woman or a man who love language is word of affirmation then as a woman you may need to find a man who doesn’t mind giving you compliments and reassuring you verbally and as a man, you may want to look for a woman who doesn’t mind pouring into you with verbal encouragement. 

 

Learning to set boundaries is also very important. I remember getting on dating apps and my only thought was to find someone and be a great partner to them. I had no boundaries, I wasn’t sure of myself and what I wanted. I just followed the rubric of in relationships you’re supposed to be a ride or die and whatever your partner needs you do it. That is an absolute trainwreck waiting to happen. With this mindset, you tend to enmesh your life with the other person so much that your identity no longer is your own and quite frankly it’s pick me bitch behavior that men and women can see right through and if their morals aren’t together they will take advantage of that. Granted society has modeled to us for many years that in order to stay in a relationship long term especially for women we must mold ourselves into what our partners want us to be and that’s not true. Get intentional about yourself first, learn your values, your passions, what do you like about others and how would you want that incorporated in a romantic relationship, learn what you don’t like about people, learn what you can tolerate, because no one’s perfect, and most importantly learn and learn quickly what you will not tolerate, make it clear in the beginning of the talking phase and if a person crosses that boundary cut them off and move on. 

 

Number two rejection is your friend in the dating realm. The more comfortable you are with that thought the less drama you will have in today’s dating atmosphere. Now, I know rejection can take a huge toll on one’s self-esteem especially if the number one goal is to find a mate and leave this bull shit, number’s game fest behind, but I challenge you to look at dating more so as collecting data, as coach TorahCent says. Instead of making it a desperate plea mission to find your soul mate so you can get out of the dating rat race, you can try befriending who you’re dating. Make the shift in your mind that you are collecting data and ask yourself can I see this person as my friend. This should do a couple of things. It seems like within the majority who want a serious relationship they go on a date, wanting to make a person their partner or setting expectations so high that when they are let down they want to give up. When a person makes the mental shift that they are just collecting data it helps relax the person, so instead of going in thinking I’m going to impress this person so much they’re going to want a second date or lock me down. You can look out for red flags, ask the right questions. Talk about each other’s boundaries and ask the question to yourself: could I see this person as a friend? Sometimes we focus so much on what we like externally we forget about compatibility. If a person decides not to move forward with you after you let your guard down and were honest and open about yourself and you didn’t catfish them, 9 times out of 10 they’re just looking for something else and that’s okay. Rejection is inevitable in the dating realm. It sucks, but if you can make the mental shift in understanding that rejection is definitely your friend here it could work to your advantage and give you more courage to be yourself so you can pull in the right people.

 

Lastly, be aware of your own triggers, baggage, and trauma.  We all have our own triggers and baggage that we carry and I’m not talking about the external baggage like kids, bills, etc. I’m talking about the internal baggage you carry around and don’t even know. I remember speaking to this single 40+-year-old woman with no kids who spoke about how we all had luggage, some people had small fanny packs, some had book bags, while some had huge bags of luggage. When speaking to her she only was able to speak on the external baggage a person can carry and being a woman with no kids she didn’t understand why it was so hard to find a stable partner and her outlook on dating was very grim. Rightfully so, dating today can suck but one thing I have learned is that our inner baggage will also keep us from obtaining a healthy relationship. 

 

A couple of examples, rejection is trauma whether we felt it in childhood with our parents, teenage years with our peers, etc we can carry that into our relationships or in our dating life. While dating, a person may ask you something that may be a hard no for you but in fear that they won’t like you anymore, you do it. You haven’t heard from a particular person you like in a day or so and instead of just reaching out yourself to see if they’re okay you don’t. Fear of being rejected paralyzes you more than looking desperate but that’s the lie we tell ourselves while trying to convince ourselves not to reach out. Another one I can think of more so on a personal level is looking like I had my shit together at all times. I did my best to be the one anyone can come to for anything in a relationship or while dating that can make it really hard for a person to connect with you if they feel they can’t assist in any way, especially if you’re a woman looking for a man who wouldn’t mind taking things off of your plate. Not wanting to show vulnerability is a trauma response, for me due to childhood. 

 

The list can go on and on about inner trauma and how it can trigger one and possibly sabotage relationships or even sabotage a person, promoting them to stay in a relationship that’s not for them. So I’ll leave you guys here, remember understanding yourself first is important, the good, the bad, the ugly, the incompetent, all of you so you can make better decisions within dating and know that rejection is your friend. I’m hoping my blog posts resonate with you and inspire you to listen or even join the Playing 4 Keeps podcast and look out for the dating app that will be available this year. If you can relate to this post please comment below with your own stories here or on www.p4kdatingapp.com.

 

With Love,

Dj

Self-aware as F*ck!

Introductions can be so awkward. Hello, I’m Dj Robinson, I’m a mother, podcaster, dater, self-awareness coach, a super messy human, and the owner of a company called Playing 4 Keeps, a new dating app built around emotional intelligence, love style, attachment theory, and sexual compatibility. Life is a game I feel we all should enjoy playing while we’re here, not just in dating but in all aspects of our lives, but before we can reach this point of enjoyment we have to become self-aware of what we want and our needs. We must learn to let go of any ideas of selfishness, guilt, or shame when it comes to those wants and needs.

A few years ago, I was a huge people pleaser that didn’t know how to say no. If the term Captain Save a Hoe had a name in the dictionary my picture would be right next to it. I self-sacrificed and picked up the pieces for everyone around me little did I know as I picked up the pieces for everyone else and made their issues my issues, their life, my life I was losing myself. Constantly attracting or just keeping people in my life that needed me because it was the only way I knew on a subconscious level that I would be kept and dealing with guys who only showed potential but needed lots of work kept me busy from facing myself. Until one day the guy decided he didn’t need me anymore. One or two things always ended up happening; I would give my all and then finally get tired or bored and move on and then just find someone new possibly with a new struggle but overall, the same issue potential with nothing to show for it and then repeat the cycle all over again. Or what the last guy did, before I could finally get bored or tired of him and his shit he somewhat gets his shit together and leaves. At least for a while, (I’ll get into that toxic mess in another post.)

After being dump I had no one to look at but myself and decided to do some digging on why I ended up in these shitty ass dating cycles. Besides discovering even though I’m a decent-looking woman, with a good income, I had some self-esteem issues and serious boundaries issues but that was just the tip of the iceberg. Anyone can tell anyone you need to learn to set boundaries, you have low self-esteem because you tolerate this, or you do that. But where does it come from? How does a person end up this way? Through my digging I became certified as a life coach, I’ve learned a lot about attachment theory and inner child work. I’m obsessed with self-awareness and shadow work and how all of this ties into relating to others and building healthy relationships with yourself and other people. This blog will be about working through your own mess, dating, relationships, love, attachment theory, emotional intelligence, sex, funny & crazy stories, and everything that relates to being human and relating to other humans. I’m hoping my blog posts resonate with you and inspire you to listen or even join the Playing 4 Keeps podcast and look out for the dating app that will be available this year. If you can relate to this post please comment below with your own stories.

 

With Love,

Dj