Chemistry or Compatibility?

I have something on my podcast called Meme Mondays. They’re really random but if I see a meme or a quote on social media that intrigues me about relationships I’ll find time to record about it and then post the episode on Monday. If you look at the meme or quote above on a surface level anyone would say it’s a beautiful statement and it is but it also reminds me of the many pitfalls in relationships today. In today’s society, love & war seems to be the thing. Break up just to get to the making up because as we all know…. “That’s the best part.” Chasing chemistry and not looking for true compatibility reminds me of this meme and I would like to speak about chemistry VS compatibility and throw my hat into the great debate on which one is more important.

What is chemistry between two people? It can be described in the terms of mutual feelings — “a connection, a bond or common feeling between two people”, or as a chemical process — “[it] stimulates love or sexual attraction… … Chemistry can be described as the combination of “love, lust, infatuation, and a desire to be involved intimately with someone” This is a great component in a healthy relationship but can chemistry alone sustain a healthy relationship? Due to our wiring and attachment style, how do we know if the chemistry we feel for another person is even healthy? If you’re not aware of attachment styles and would like to know more you can read my article

As humans, we tend to flee to what feels familiar to us, even if on a conscious level we don’t like it. I’ll give an example; I stood out as a child by being the smart and resourceful one. The one who started working at 14 and the one people came to if they needed anything. This made me feel good, irreplaceable, in a replaceable world around me. Until it didn’t, I ended up in exhausting relationships where I was fully enmeshed in my partner’s shit, building them and their situations up. I was happy to be needed but at the same time I was irritable and past partners didn’t understand why because at the end of the day I was playing what I thought my role was in society. Consciously I knew I didn’t like it but subconsciously something drew me to these men. The familiarity of having to be hypervigilant as a child growing up in a toxic household, caring for everyone’s feelings but my own, and building people up without knowing what I wanted in life landed me in these relationships. I grew up in instability and toxicity and my nervous system grew accustomed to it. So only situations and relationships that stimulated me in ways of hardship, solving problems, and rising to the occasion kept me satisfied. Chemistry at that time for me was extreme unavailability, but I framed it as mysterious. Instead of moving on as I should have, I dug deeper looking for problems I could fix in the hope my partners would open up and change for me.

In the quote it reads “lovers who rarely meet”, We can’t meet or communicate with another person authentically without knowing ourselves. Without fully understanding why we do the things we do and then deciding do we want to keep doing it or change it. The quote continues “Chase and always almost miss one another” When leaning on chemistry alone in relationships we tend to chase fantasies and not reality. Which can cause a lot of miss understandings and arguments. I always ended up chasing to a certain degree because I leaned ALL on chemistry/ familiarity in the past. Arguing and constantly trying to prove myself when I didn’t have to. Chemistry is a chemical process our bodies go through when we really like someone. Some call it a spark or butterflies and it can really cloud one’s judgment if they’re not careful. And the last part of the quote reads “ But once in a while they do catch up, and they kiss, and the world stares in awe of their eclipse. This honestly just reminds me of toxic relationships altogether, after all the fighting and arguing a couple makes up only on a vague surface level because two lovers should never catch up or kiss once in a while. While the short eclipse is beautiful it is rare and in chemistry-based relationships making up and coming together is the best part because that’s all the couple has and subconsciously will always chase.

Now, I’m not knocking chemistry completely especially since there are different types of it but I do believe compatibility along with chemistry will sustain a healthy relationship. Or believe that chemistry can grow over time with someone you’re compatible with. What is compatibility between two people? It is the natural ability to live and work together in harmony because of well-matched characteristics. Chemistry is important but after you feel that initial spark than what? Do you just ride the waves of straight emotions letting your emotions and emotions alone carry the relationship? You shouldn’t, so after you find that there’s some chemistry there you have to find out if this person is really good for you.

Questions to ask yourself, you feel the spark but do you see things that you would like to change within the person. You shouldn’t go into a relationship wanting to change anything about a person. You can encourage certain things with your own actions and how you live your life but if you know you can’t deal with certain things you probably shouldn’t be dealing with that person romantically. Or if you find yourself constantly compromising, we seem to have this ideology that love is all about sacrifice or sometimes you have to sacrifice to show your love. That’s a lie and can all be avoided by getting with someone that aligns with your major needs, wants, and values. When searching for compatibility it always leaves room for conversations about boundaries and what one is looking for. While if you’re only focused on that hard-hit spark chemistry provides it can easily blindside you to not look for all of the other important things if you’re not careful.

A lot of coaches and therapists will tell their clients not to follow that feel-good dopamine response in their body when they meet someone if their client comes from a certain family background or has had failed relationships in the past and fear that their client may just be falling for familiarity. But if one understands themselves and explores that chemistry on a deeper level than just oh I like them and they like me then a person should be able to avoid relationships that aren’t good for them

So in conclusion for me personally some type of chemistry has to be there but understanding what type of chemistry and where the chemistry is coming from can help a person decipher if they should pursue a person or not and we shouldn’t be glorifying relationships that resemble rare solar eclipse. Just my humble opinion. I’m hoping this blog post resonates with you and inspires you to listen or even join the Playing 4 Keeps podcast and look out for the dating app that will be available this year. If you can relate to this post please comment below with your own stories here or on

With Love,


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